Quality parenting.

We have started teaching the Terrors to play poker. Might as well make them earn their keep, right?
So far, it's the most entertaining thing Hubby and I have ever seen. We are positive these are both our children, they came from the same genes, but their poker styles could not be different.
Girl Terror has a poker face to make her famous. She gives away nothing. She and Hubby were in a hand together, and after the flop I pointed out to her that her Daddy had raised the bet. If she didn't have a hand to beat a pair of aces (one ace was on the flop) she should consider folding. She scowled at me, scowled at her cards, and bet. The little bugger had the pair of aces!!
Boy Terror has no idea what his cards are. Sometimes they are good. Sometimes not as good. But he bets like he has all the money in the world, and it totally works. The kid has horseshoes out his ass. Mainly he just likes to play with the chips.
Due to my upbringing, I fully expect to go straight to hell, no stopping in purgatory, no collecting $200. Cards are evil, poker is the devil's game, and I am corrupting the youth. I'm trying to see it as a fabulous math lesson, but at the same time I'm watching for the lightening strike.

If I were in charge....

If I were in charge....
coffee would be healthy.
In fact, chocolate, salt, and all those other tasty things would actually burn calories. You'd have to be careful how much you indulged, or you would waste away to nothing.

If I were in charge, the first time a teenager rolled her eyes she would get a stern warning. The second time, her eyeballs would roll right out of her head, serving as a lesson to the other snotty kids in the class.

In my world, where I am the boss, there would be a rule that states: "A nasty bug can only travel through 1 member of each household before becoming benign." That would put an end to the endless cycle we are currently stuck in.

When I control the weather, snow will arrive November 15th, and stay until January 5th. The rest of the year will be summer.

If I were the boss of all, my favourite shows would NOT have reruns. Especially on nights when all I really want is to curl up with Gregory House, or Cal Lightman.

Staff meetings would be put into memo form, and e-mailed to me at home. 'Nuff said.

In my happy world, where I control ALL, the toilet (and the surrounding floor, wall, etc) would be self-cleaning. Or perhaps we could devise a system where boys with bad aim get a teeny zap of a shock every time they steer the stream off course.

Heck, I'm in charge. Let's make the entire house self-cleaning.

If I were in charge, every mother would get an extra 2 hours a day, to fit in wherever she liked. The only rule would be you must use your two hours for yourself. You can't share them with the laundry, whiny kids, or needy husbands.

If I were in charge, my hair would get longer and more lusterous every year, rather than thinner and paler. My body would continually morph into a Victoria Secret model shape, and I would never find those wrinkles and age spots again.

If I were in charge, things would be different. Trust me.

Why?

Why?

Why does my cat love q-tips so much? It's not like she's cleaning her ears with them.
Why does my electric toothbrush make me have to go pee?
Why do children ask "Whatcha doin', Mummy?" when I am clearly doing something easy to identify, like dishes, reading, laundry...
Why does Boy Terror insist on wearing long sleeves and pants all summer, and then break out the shorts and tees for October?
If I buy all of us new slippers, why does Girl Terror only want to wear mine?
Why did I shake hands with all those people at parent-teacher interviews? I knew it would make me sick!
Why do I wake up at 5:00 every morning? Just so I can watch the numbers go by?
Why does my son refuse to shut the door while he's in the bathroom?
Why don't I ever get good songs stuck in my head, instead of stuff like "Bye, Bye Miss American Pie" and "Come On Eileen"? I mean, they are good songs, but not after 6 days through the chorus.

I've got more questions, but for now, this will do. Why don't you leave a comment, telling me your burning "why".

Not Our Fault

Warning: This is not a gentle post. Some readers might be disturbed, and I apologize. But...it's my blog, my thoughts, and my life.

I am not a person who normally believes in signs, or messages from a Higher Power, or even in karma. I don't know what else to call it. You get the idea....I like my beliefs to be concrete and tangible. But today, I believe I am sick for a reason.
This morning I felt slightly off, but not sick. I went to work, and I was fine. By 10 am, however, I felt horrible. My nose was dripping, my head was pounding, and for a minute I thought I might pass out. By 10:30 Hubby was on his way to pick me up, and a substitute teacher was in my class.

I never watch Oprah. I did, years ago, but not for at least 7 years now. Today while I was on the couch with my box of kleenex, I turned on the TV and changed the channel to Oprah.

In the past half hour, I have heard three women tell their stories, and each and every one of them has said something that could have been from my diaries. They have the same story as me. In fact, one woman's father was a minister, just like mine.

I heard these brave women tell my story. They have put my thoughts into words. My secret concerns, and doubts about what I did wrong and why I didn't stand up for myself. That powerful need for love, and for a parent's approval is so strong that we tolerate or even participate in some of the most unthinkable situations.

We always assume that incest or sexual abuse is forced onto children. No one ever says that sometimes, children do not speak out because they are afraid of losing even that warped love. People don't talk about the ugly fact that even abuse can feel good, physically. Today it suddenly all clicked for me while I watched Oprah interview survivors. It is not a sign on weakness in me that I let my father touch me until I was 18. I lay still and silent, but that does not mean it was my fault.

You know, I've healed. My past is safely where it belongs...in the past. But I think today I learned that there is still a lot for me to learn and work through. Somehow I still believed that part of the abuse was my fault. I had questions about why I allowed such things to happen. Today, I got answers. I heard, really heard, the right words.

I was sick today for a reason.

Questions from Fawn

Fawn responded to my writer's block with a wonderful list of questions. Woo hoo!!


1. What is the scariest thing you've ever had to do?
Tell a room full of church officials exactly what my father had done to me. In detail.

2. What is the most disgusting thing you've ever had to eat?
Well, I probably didn't have to eat it, but I was being polite, so I ate it. A plate of raw ground burger, soaked in spiced pear juice.

3. What is your favourite winter activity?
Watching snow fall. Drinking hot chocolate. Decorating for Christmas. Oh, you meant outside! I don't often DO outside, but tobagganing would be my favourite.

4. What is your favourite season?
Summer. I love Christmas, but it's surrounded by all that winter!

5. What's been the biggest surprise of motherhood?
How selfish I really am.

6. How do you carve out time for yourself?
I get up insanely early so I have time alone first thing in the morning. And my kids go to bed pretty early, so I have a bit of time in the evening.

7. Did you make the wedding cake for a friend, or have you started a business (or are you thinking about it)?
I made the cake for a friend of a friend, for a special introductory price. I am toying with the idea of starting a side business, but so far I do it for fun. Fun that I get paid for, mind you!!

8. What are your kids up to when you suddenly realize the house has been quiet for far too long?
You know what? It's scary, but if they are quiet for a long time, I know they are reading somewhere.

9. What's your favourite song and what memories does it evoke?
Pachebel's Canon in D. It makes me think of my wedding.

10. Who's going to win at the end of this hockey season? (Ha! You could tell me anything and I'd believe you!)
The guys in the white? Red? Blue? Ummmm......I'll have to get back to you on that one!

Babies everywhere!

Thanks for all the great ideas!! I will have to ask you guys again for topics. Except for Julia, who sent me a nasty link that I was smart enough to not click on. She also needs to work on her grammar if she's going to leave virus/advertising type comments.

Stacie, the babies are always entertaining. Each student takes a Baby home on Thursday, and becomes a parent until Monday. They love it.....right up until Friday. Babies cry at night! Shocking!
Every weekend, I get at least one phone call from a freaking out student. The Baby is crying for no reason. They think maybe they "broke" Baby's neck. There are weird noises. Once every few weeks, a student will call in tears of frustration. By Monday, they look and feel like crap. Suddenly, a condom seems like such a simple, brilliant idea!
Parents crack me up. They come to parent teacher interviews, and say the same thing. "This is a great experience....for those other kids. My child, she/he is smarter than that. We don't have to worry about things like....sex. But those other kids, they really need this!"
If you see these teens with their white and blue car seats (hopefully with a "Baby" inside) chat with them! Ask them how it feels to be a teen parent! Pester them! Trust me, it's fun! Ummmm, maybe make sure first that they are actually in the class, and not really carrying a live baby. That could get awkward.

writer's block, but still plenty of words.

I don't know what to write about, so I asked Hubby. Here are his ideas:

1. I just finished making my first wedding cake.
2. My son has strep throat. He's had it for three weeks. We didn't notice.
3. Same son is still going strong on the math. Counting by elevens is the funniest thing ever, apparently.

See? Boring life. In other news:

1. Girl Terror has reached a moody, attitude-rich, attention seeking stage. Send vodka.
2. I sent home the "Babies" this week in class. Only two of the five students have called me at home to freak out.
3. It's snowing/hailing/raining here in the north, and I hate it.

Maybe YOU have some ideas for a topic? Send me thoughts, questions, topic starters!