Monday, July 11, 2005

Traveling with Terrors

My children were amazing on the trip. Really. I didn't need to use the earplugs even once. But I have compiled a list of travel tips for anyone else who might be contemplating a trip with small angels. Even the best little darlings can have bad moments.
1. Pack clothes for the weather of your destination. Now, take those clothes out and put in the opposite. The weather will not be normal. If you take only shorts, it will rain for three days.
2. Buy lots of toys for the car, but don't get worked up if the kids ignore them. Just hand the baby a hairbrush, or a tube of handcream. That's all he wants.
3. Make, buy, borrow or steal all the annoying kids music (I recommend Raffi) you can find. It will be the only thing you get to listen to for the next week.
4. When you put on bug repellent, remember your ass. When you are hunched over the front seat of the car, your butt sticking out in traffic, changing the tenth diaper of the day, the last thing you want to worry about is the giant mosquitoes having a banquet on your backside.
5. When you are at a restaurant, and you go to the bathroom, take the kid who talks the most with you. Then you can avoid the embarrassment of finding out that while you were peeing, your child told everyone in earshot "I have little boobies. But MUMMY has BIG boobies!"
6. Have sex now. You won't be doing anything like that on the trip. Not unless you can afford two overpriced hotel rooms, and a nanny to stay in the second room with the children.
7. Stay in hotels that offer free breakfast. The kids might not eat anything, but at least you won't have paid an arm and a leg for food they will reject. And they will reject it, believe me. If you order a full breakfast, pancakes, French toast, eggs, and cereal, hoping something, anything will appeal to them, they will lick the peanut butter out of the containers on the table, drink half a glass of $5 juice, and be done.
8. Best advice? Find a loving grandparent. Ditch the kids. Bring on the martinis.


OldHorsetailSnake said...

This is a swell list, Mom. Nicely did.

But you lied! You said you would be back on the 13th, so this is the first day I have checked on you, and YOU'VE BEEN BACK SINCE THE 10TH!!

Family history entry: Average Mom lies.

Sleeping Mommy said...

Oh Lord, I hate traveling with the kids, no matter how good they are, it's still so HARD.

Ah, to travel with only my husband again...

Maybe for our next anniversary?

J&J's Mom said...

I was in the bathroom at Sheetz a couple of weekends ago with my boys and the first went pee and we all sang "J-man peed in the potty ..j-man peed in the potty" the same for J-man #2 ..then it was my turn...needless to say the sang for me too. The lady in the stall next to me just busted out laughing! Oh the fun of children travelling!

Anonymous said...

brilliant. mosquitoes love my ass. they love it!

Anonymous said...

Family travels. Ain't it fun? It's always an adventure. But I concur about Raffi...he seems to mellow my kids out.

OldHorsetailSnake said...


Don't you got caribou or grizzlies or moose or unicorns up there? If so, how come we never hear about it? Or polar bears? Or terrible tourists?

Heck, I wrote a Bigfoot column, and I'm down in Oregon. I would write about bats in the belfrey, too, except I don't got any.