Friday, May 12, 2006

Wanted: One baby to rock.

I know it's pathetic, but I am depressed. I threw all my left-over "lady products" in the trash this week. It finally dawned on me that I won't be needing that stuff anymore. I should be thrilled, right? No more spending a fortune each month on giant maxi pads. No more last minute, panicky trips to the drugstore. Never another cramp. All done, finished, forever. Forever.
Hubby and I decided, and I agreed, that we were done having babies. Two terrors is more than enough. My doctor agreed, mainly because he didn't want to see that blood bath I call birth again. I was fine with the End of Babies. But I still waited every month with a little bit of my heart in my throat, to see if maybe an "accident" had happened. Hubby got the big snip, and I was fine. However, I think that somewhere in the back of my head, I was thinking "Yeah, but if I had to, I could still get pregnant. If he died, or something." (NO, I don't want him dead!)
Now, it would take more than strong determined swimmers and weak condoms to give me a tiny baby girl. I have nowhere to grow her. The part of me that made me a mother is gone.
I don't want more children. I know in my head that two is enough, more than enough, and I have no desire for more. But a baby is a different thing. In my heart, a baby would be welcome. I can forget the sleepless nights, the agony of colic, and the chaos of baby paraphernalia. I just remember the tiny body on my chest. The soft warm breath on my neck. The wide eyed unfocused gaze locked on my face.
My womb is gone, and my heart hasn't gotten the memo yet.

8 comments:

Mary P. said...

Aww... It's not pathetic.

That last line caught at my heart, for sure. This feeling will pass, of course, but you know what? I think it's right to savour its bittersweet poignancy for a time.

Becki said...

My husband got snipped in October, and I go through the "Well, if we really wanted to, we could get it reversed" thing. But I think you're right that this is qualitatively different, and I think it's entirely reasonable to mourn. I hope your heart feels better soon.

Northern_Girl said...

Ouch.

Just Ouch.

My (hysterical) hysterectomy is scheduled for Wednesday.

Jeannie said...

I don't know what I'd feel in your shoes. I'm 47 and have no intention of having any more kids (it would gross out my adult children completely) but the thought is still there that I could still do it if I really wanted to

Belle said...

i gave mine up quite a few years ago and i've never had regrets. in fact, it was the best thing i ever did, but i know how you feel. the first time i went back to my doc i could hear from the examining room next to mine as she put the monitor on a young mother's belly. i could hear that galloping heartbeat. i laid there counting the tiles on the ceiling, as my tears ran into my ears. yea, i know, it's a line from a country western song, but it's true. feel better soon.

wendy said...

Not pathetic at all dear! the heart takes its time. Shhhh don't tell my husband but I secretly long for that accident every time even though it's never gonna happen. mourn your loss, it's real and it deserves proper grief.

danelle said...

That is why, at age 43 I am a baby nanny. I get all my snuggle fixes during the day, and then come home to my teenagers who sat around and did nothing all day.

Lisa said...

Finally, somebody who understands what I went through (& sometimes still do) after my hysterectomy over a year ago.

I knew my baby-having days were over, but I still can't seem to wrap my head around the whole no-more-womb thing.

Prior to the surgery, people told me, "Oh, when it's over you'll be so glad you did it." I haven't gotten to the "glad I did it" phase yet, but it is nice not to have cramps that put me to bed for 3 days.

Lisa