I know it's pathetic, but I am depressed. I threw all my left-over "lady products" in the trash this week. It finally dawned on me that I won't be needing that stuff anymore. I should be thrilled, right? No more spending a fortune each month on giant maxi pads. No more last minute, panicky trips to the drugstore. Never another cramp. All done, finished, forever. Forever.
Hubby and I decided, and I agreed, that we were done having babies. Two terrors is more than enough. My doctor agreed, mainly because he didn't want to see that blood bath I call birth again. I was fine with the End of Babies. But I still waited every month with a little bit of my heart in my throat, to see if maybe an "accident" had happened. Hubby got the big snip, and I was fine. However, I think that somewhere in the back of my head, I was thinking "Yeah, but if I had to, I could still get pregnant. If he died, or something." (NO, I don't want him dead!)
Now, it would take more than strong determined swimmers and weak condoms to give me a tiny baby girl. I have nowhere to grow her. The part of me that made me a mother is gone.
I don't want more children. I know in my head that two is enough, more than enough, and I have no desire for more. But a baby is a different thing. In my heart, a baby would be welcome. I can forget the sleepless nights, the agony of colic, and the chaos of baby paraphernalia. I just remember the tiny body on my chest. The soft warm breath on my neck. The wide eyed unfocused gaze locked on my face.
My womb is gone, and my heart hasn't gotten the memo yet.
6 comments:
My husband got snipped in October, and I go through the "Well, if we really wanted to, we could get it reversed" thing. But I think you're right that this is qualitatively different, and I think it's entirely reasonable to mourn. I hope your heart feels better soon.
Ouch.
Just Ouch.
My (hysterical) hysterectomy is scheduled for Wednesday.
I don't know what I'd feel in your shoes. I'm 47 and have no intention of having any more kids (it would gross out my adult children completely) but the thought is still there that I could still do it if I really wanted to
Not pathetic at all dear! the heart takes its time. Shhhh don't tell my husband but I secretly long for that accident every time even though it's never gonna happen. mourn your loss, it's real and it deserves proper grief.
That is why, at age 43 I am a baby nanny. I get all my snuggle fixes during the day, and then come home to my teenagers who sat around and did nothing all day.
Finally, somebody who understands what I went through (& sometimes still do) after my hysterectomy over a year ago.
I knew my baby-having days were over, but I still can't seem to wrap my head around the whole no-more-womb thing.
Prior to the surgery, people told me, "Oh, when it's over you'll be so glad you did it." I haven't gotten to the "glad I did it" phase yet, but it is nice not to have cramps that put me to bed for 3 days.
Lisa
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