Thursday, July 27, 2006

Angst. In the bathing suit area.

Today I bit the bullet and went bathing suit shopping. It was just as horrid as I thought it would be, and then some. Plus it was raining. No, I don't look any better in the sunlight, but I didn't need the weather to encourage me to be a bitch all day.
I live in a very small city. I am a large lady. Those two things combined to make shopping difficult. One one hand, I only had 3 stores to be humiliated in, on the other hand, I only had 3 stores to search in my quest for a Miracle Suit. And one of those stores was WalMart.
A Miracle Suit would fit, of course. It would be the correct length and girth, and would not force me to choose "able to breath but have wrinkles and rolls of fabric left over" or "no excess fabric to bunch up on my tummy rolls, but I'm going to pass out any minute".
The Miracle Suit would come in a colour/pattern other than basic black or turquoise and fuchsia flowers. Seriously. Who needs giant tropical flowers on their boobies? I am far too pasty white to wear solid black, but I refuse to look like drapery from the 60's.
A good Miracle Suit would support my boobs (in a wonderful, cleavage enhancing way, not in a strapped down to my ribs kind of way), would cover but not draw attention to my ass, hold in my stomach rolls, and would give me shiny white teeth. And a tan. Maybe my hair could be longer, too.
I did not find a Miracle Suit today. But I did find a bathing suit that doesn't make me cry, and didn't cause my husband to laugh out loud. I wore it to the pool this afternoon with Hubby and the kids. Turns out, Boy Terror could care less what I'm wearing, so long as I am in the water with him. Girl Terror was thrilled because my new suit is blue! Her favourite colour! We could be twins!
I saw a lot of parents at the pool today, with their little cutie patootie kids. Some of the moms sat in the chairs outside the pool area. A few of the dads were playing in the water, tossing around balls and kids. But the happiest parents, by far, were the two middle aged, pudgy, white folks, plopped down in the kiddie pool, with no regards to fashion, laughing at the red-haired Terrors.


Rootietoot said...

Ah...I hate swimsuit shopping, for the same reasons you mentioned. This year, I bought on from the Lands End catalog, where I could get the top one size and the bottom another, and the built in bra fits and the bottom looks like a skirt so my arse is covered and the whole thing is a wholly satisfactory composition. Go you for ignoring the 30-somethings with their kids stylishly named after jazz instrumentalists and their tans and smug slenderness! Go you NotSoAverageMom!

Karyn said...

I was just going to comment on the Lands End thing! I think that is where my next suit will come from, despite the price, as my butt is growing and my boobs are not!

Mary P. said...

This one had me laughing out loud. I read a couple of paragraphs to my husband and my eldest. Husband laughed, of course, but eldest (girl, 20) got it, just like I did. It's a girl thing.

"Miracle Suit". Mine would do all those things to cleavage, ass, and tummy, and it would also get rid of the incipient cellulite on my thighs. The very thought makes me smile.

But they don't sell them at Wal-Mart?

OldHorsetailSnake said...

This is a great post, Mom. And I am pleased you found a suit that shows you for what you are: all tanned and svelte.

debby said...

Amen to that! And may I say how white your teeth are looking..

Beth said...

Bathing suit shopping ........the bain of every woman's existence!! The dressing rooms with their 3-way mirrors, horrible lighting and insistance on wearing your underwear while you're trying on (how the hell can you tell what it's actually going to look like in the real world) Even a super model would look lousy in a Walmart dressing room!! I've had my suit for years and can't remember the last time I wore it on a beach!! I last remember wearing it at a friends place up island ....temps were in the high 30's , they had a pool , we were drunk and that's all I wore all weekend. But they weren't PUBLIC. That had to have been over 5 years ago.

Twisted Cinderella said...

boy do I get what you mean. I guess that is why I have the same suit I have had for 5 years. I have no desire to brave the wonders of the bathing suit shopping jungle!

Unknown said...

Your post never fails to make me laugh. That was hilarious and I could totally relate. I haven't don a bathing suit since I gave birth but I know that I will go through that awkward moment of choosing to breathe or look good.