At our local Superstore, you are eligible for a freebie when you spend a certain amount of money. Since we are horrible grocery shoppers, and are attracted to bright shiny expensive things, we regularly get free stuff. Woo hoo! A reward for overspending!
Last week I I was standing in the line to get my free lasagna. I don't even really like lasagna that much, but it was free, and that meant it was worth standing in line for 15 minutes. Finally there was only one guy ahead of me.
"Ma'am," he said to the lady behind the counter "my bottle of rum was stolen! Right while I was over there bagging my groceries!"
She did soooo much better than I would have. She calmly looked at him and said "I don't know what to tell you sir, but we don't carry rum in this store."
"I know that. I brought it with me, and I put it down while I was getting my stuff, and someone walked off with it!"
"Well sir, it is pretty busy in here today. Hard to see what all is going on."
"The cashier said to talk to you. She said she couldn't help."
"Well no, and really, neither can I. I'm sorry this happened to you, but there is nothing I can do."
And with that he wandered off.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Free Hug Week
This week is "Free Hug Week" at my school. My goal is to survive without punching anyone. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the idea behind "Free Hug Week". I understand that we need more love, and our students need to know we care about them. But hugs? Really? I work in a high school. If I taught kindergarten, this might be okay with me. But I spend all day telling my students to "wear condoms!" "stop touching each other in the hall!" "respect personal space!" and now the powers that be have told them "This week, hug everyone!" What exactly is the goal here? To make sure groping is still alive, or to make some poor kid cry because everyone is getting hugged but her?
I'll admit, my main issue with "Free Hug Week" is personal. I do not like to be touched. Don't laugh, I'm serious! I have very clear personal boundaries, and I'd prefer if everyone respected them. In high school my boyfriend snuck up behind me and surprised me with a hug. I responded (very quickly, and unfortunately without thinking) by driving my elbow back into his face with enough force to take out two teeth. Then I turned around and saw who it was. Oops.
I do let certain people hug me. My family is actually forced to hug me on a regular basis. I have certain friends that I automatically hug when I see them, but they've put years into earning that hug! There are 3 or 4 female students who hug me, and while I tolerate it, and don't run screaming from the room, I am not very comfortable. I need to see the hug coming from a distance, so I can prepare myself. I can loosen my arms, exhale, and tell myself that it will all be over in a minute.
Last year, in response to "Kick a Ginger Day" our VP had a "Hug a Ginger Day". Unfortunately, she forgot to mention to me that the entire day would be filled with people randomly trying to hug me. After the fourth staff member attempted to put their arms around my rigid body, I lost it. As another teacher came at me in the staff room, with the hugging posture ready to go, I bellowed at him "WHY THE F$^& IS EVERYBODY TOUCHING ME?!!!" Needless to say, he did not continue with the hug.
I'm thinking of wearing spikes and possibly obnoxious perfume for the week. If you see me stalking around the building, with a dark cloud over my head, please, for the love of god, do not attempt to make it all better with a hug. I might very well punch you.
I'll admit, my main issue with "Free Hug Week" is personal. I do not like to be touched. Don't laugh, I'm serious! I have very clear personal boundaries, and I'd prefer if everyone respected them. In high school my boyfriend snuck up behind me and surprised me with a hug. I responded (very quickly, and unfortunately without thinking) by driving my elbow back into his face with enough force to take out two teeth. Then I turned around and saw who it was. Oops.
I do let certain people hug me. My family is actually forced to hug me on a regular basis. I have certain friends that I automatically hug when I see them, but they've put years into earning that hug! There are 3 or 4 female students who hug me, and while I tolerate it, and don't run screaming from the room, I am not very comfortable. I need to see the hug coming from a distance, so I can prepare myself. I can loosen my arms, exhale, and tell myself that it will all be over in a minute.
Last year, in response to "Kick a Ginger Day" our VP had a "Hug a Ginger Day". Unfortunately, she forgot to mention to me that the entire day would be filled with people randomly trying to hug me. After the fourth staff member attempted to put their arms around my rigid body, I lost it. As another teacher came at me in the staff room, with the hugging posture ready to go, I bellowed at him "WHY THE F$^& IS EVERYBODY TOUCHING ME?!!!" Needless to say, he did not continue with the hug.
I'm thinking of wearing spikes and possibly obnoxious perfume for the week. If you see me stalking around the building, with a dark cloud over my head, please, for the love of god, do not attempt to make it all better with a hug. I might very well punch you.
Saturday, January 09, 2010
Gym people
I've started going to the gym with my friend Cheri, and it's great, wonderful, all that, but it turns out I now have a whole new group of people who annoy me. Shocking, isn't it?!
Here is my list of Gym Idiots.
1. People who walk in the wrong lane. The track is very well labeled. Inside lane, SLOW. Outside lane, FAST. Middle lane, passing. The woman slowly sauntering along the fast lane makes me nuts. Really, lady? Can you not read? Or are you just that special that you can't walk with the rest of us slowpokes?
2. The people who insist on staying side by side, when the track is crowded. If it's a slow day, go for it. Walk three abreast if you like. But when it's a weekend morning, and the place is crowded, you DO NOT need to stay right beside your buddy. It's not like you're going to get lost. It's an oval track, there's nowhere to go.
3. The woman who carries her purse. I realize it's a high theft area, and clearly she does too. So why not leave the bag at home? Or in the car? Or in a locked locker? How can it possibly be comfortable to walk with that strap over your shoulder?!
4. Teenage boys.
5. People with small children. Yes, your babies are cute, but they are also in my way. Go home.
6. The guy who waits until I pass him before he starts running.
7. That woman with the BO. I know, I know. It's a gym. But for the love of all that is good, shower once in awhile, and wash that shirt! Everyone sweats, everyone gets stinky. Not everyone shoves the stinky into a locker to wear again tomorrow.
8. My students. They don't normally make me this cranky, but I'm all sweaty, no makeup, and I don't feel like chatting. Go away.
9. Skinny people. (Except my friend Cheri. She's allowed to be cute and skinny and at the gym). Go away, skinny people. Go work out somewhere else, where I don't feel like a freak next to you.
10. Women who wear gallons of perfume, and leave a trail of scent everywhere they go.
Okay, I think that's enough for now. The good news? I've been going to the gym, and I love it. I just hate all the people.
Here is my list of Gym Idiots.
1. People who walk in the wrong lane. The track is very well labeled. Inside lane, SLOW. Outside lane, FAST. Middle lane, passing. The woman slowly sauntering along the fast lane makes me nuts. Really, lady? Can you not read? Or are you just that special that you can't walk with the rest of us slowpokes?
2. The people who insist on staying side by side, when the track is crowded. If it's a slow day, go for it. Walk three abreast if you like. But when it's a weekend morning, and the place is crowded, you DO NOT need to stay right beside your buddy. It's not like you're going to get lost. It's an oval track, there's nowhere to go.
3. The woman who carries her purse. I realize it's a high theft area, and clearly she does too. So why not leave the bag at home? Or in the car? Or in a locked locker? How can it possibly be comfortable to walk with that strap over your shoulder?!
4. Teenage boys.
5. People with small children. Yes, your babies are cute, but they are also in my way. Go home.
6. The guy who waits until I pass him before he starts running.
7. That woman with the BO. I know, I know. It's a gym. But for the love of all that is good, shower once in awhile, and wash that shirt! Everyone sweats, everyone gets stinky. Not everyone shoves the stinky into a locker to wear again tomorrow.
8. My students. They don't normally make me this cranky, but I'm all sweaty, no makeup, and I don't feel like chatting. Go away.
9. Skinny people. (Except my friend Cheri. She's allowed to be cute and skinny and at the gym). Go away, skinny people. Go work out somewhere else, where I don't feel like a freak next to you.
10. Women who wear gallons of perfume, and leave a trail of scent everywhere they go.
Okay, I think that's enough for now. The good news? I've been going to the gym, and I love it. I just hate all the people.
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
The Wonder Pants
I am now of a certain age, where fashion is a silly idea. I've resisted, but turns out I've crossed the bridge, turned the corner, and am now firmly on the side of the elderly. I know this because of my pants.
My friend calls them "The Wonder Pants". They can do anything. They never wrinkle, they are machine washable, they feel like sweatpants, and they match most of my wardrobe. Due to some mystery of the universe, they fit me as if they were tailor made for my butt. Those are the good things. The bad things...oh, they are bad.
These pants are the sort my Nanny would wear, and she called them "slacks". They are polyester knit. Yes. Both polyester, and knit. The fabric has some stretch, through the miracle of modern fabric, so they do not have fastenings of any sort. They are pull ons. The lint, cat hair, and dust are attracted to my pants as if I am wearing a swiffer duster. The label says Comfort Fit. Seriously! I am wearing pants that the best thing the company could think of was "Well, I bet they are comfy!"
The only excuse I can think of to wear linty, stretchy, polyester elastic waist comfort fit brown slacks in public is that I am old. Elderly. Past the point of caring. But! I am comfy.
My friend calls them "The Wonder Pants". They can do anything. They never wrinkle, they are machine washable, they feel like sweatpants, and they match most of my wardrobe. Due to some mystery of the universe, they fit me as if they were tailor made for my butt. Those are the good things. The bad things...oh, they are bad.
These pants are the sort my Nanny would wear, and she called them "slacks". They are polyester knit. Yes. Both polyester, and knit. The fabric has some stretch, through the miracle of modern fabric, so they do not have fastenings of any sort. They are pull ons. The lint, cat hair, and dust are attracted to my pants as if I am wearing a swiffer duster. The label says Comfort Fit. Seriously! I am wearing pants that the best thing the company could think of was "Well, I bet they are comfy!"
The only excuse I can think of to wear linty, stretchy, polyester elastic waist comfort fit brown slacks in public is that I am old. Elderly. Past the point of caring. But! I am comfy.
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