Monday, April 25, 2005

I've lost that shopping feelin'

I used to be a world class shopper. I loved wandering the stores, finding hidden treasures, and knowing that I could find the best price for anything, anywhere. My friends loved to shop with me. I walked at the best pace, I was witty and fun, and I always had good advice. Then I got pregnant.
Even before I realized I was pregnant, the shopping talents left me. I spent 25 minutes in the "lady products" aisle with my best friend, trying to remember what brand and size I liked the best. I picked stuff up, I put stuff down. I couldn't remember what I was doing. She suggested that perhaps I wouldn't need any of the stuff, that maybe I was pregnant. I should have believed her. The next nine months were a downward spiral.
I went shopping for baby bottles one day, by myself. Foolish mistake. I could not for the life of me choose a "feeding system". I had no idea there were so many choices to be made! After an entire afternoon of standing there, feeling like an idiot, I went home with no bottles. I finally just took my friend and bought whatever she said I would need.
Towards the end of my pregnancy, my friend pointed out that I had very little baby clothes purchased. Very little. Like one day's worth. I don't know what I thought the kid would wear once we got home, but I couldn't get past the "going home" outfit.
After the baby was born, I waited anxiously for the shopping genes to kick in again. Alas, "pregnancy brain" was replaced by "I-haven't-slept-in-5-days-and-I-smell-like-vomit" brain. I had a schedule now, based on napping and eating and pooping. None of it mine. I was now a Nazi shopper. Get in, get out, and hope you got what you came for. No chatting, no browsing. And don't even suggest to me that we try a different store. My friend stopped shopping with me.
It's 3 years later. I still can't shop. I now have 2 kids in the cart, a list written on my arm, and I still smell like vomit most days. I tried buying underwear recently. Naturally, I couldn't remember what size my ass is, and try as I might, I couldn't see the tag. I finally just grabbed a package that I thought might be my size, in pretty colours other than white-which-will-wash-to-gray, and bought them. When I got home, I opened the package, and pulled out a tiny scrap of material. Yup, they were my size, but they were thongs. I know lots of people say they are oh so comfy, but guess what? At my size and shape, they are NOT attractive. I do NOT need to see my butt cheeks framed by candy coloured floss. The waist band nicely slid into my tummy rolls, the front triangle scoffed at the idea of covering such a vast area, and the string part did exactly what it was designed to do. It crawled up my ass and disappeared.
From now on, I am doing all my shopping from home, on line. That way I don't even need to wear panties, if I can't find any.

40 comments:

ShoeHound said...

Shopping is life. Although I haven't been able to do it lately. We're on vacation right now, so I get to do touristy shopping. LOL I will take what I can get!

Dawn said...

that sounds like a plan to me....

Mamacita said...

I'm not a shopper. Never was.

As for the thong. . . . there's no way I'm going to pay good money for a wedgie that I can get for free just trying to walk through Spencer Gifts. (The only store I really like to browse in. . . .)

Besides, just because they make something in my size doesn't mean they should.

Sleeping Mommy said...

Oh my, I started laughing, then I was coughing, then I was choking. You nearly killed me woman! I so know that feeling.

I still can't make a decision to save my life. It's total mommy brain.

LadyBug said...

Oh, dear. Yes, the thong thing doesn't, um, "sit" well with me either. Or stand. Or walk. In fact, no sudden movements are to be made, for fear of slicing myself in half right down that pre-fabricated crack.

This post made me giggle.

I've visited here before, but this time (Hello!) Michele sent me.

Mamacita said...

I was just here but I came back because Michele told me to. Otherwise I would have had to wait till tomorrow, because I come here every single day. As you well know.

Standard Prince said...

on mama, dont give up!
Never Never give up- Winston Churchill

It's in the bag- Louis Vuitton.

Tammy said...

Hang in. Eventually the kids will get bigger and you'll get to shop again. My oldest is 13, the youngest almost 10...and I'm finally picking up that fine art again. When I can find any money the kids didn't already take. :)

Hello, Michele sent me!

bullet said...

it'll come back.. just one of those days :)
Michelle Sent Me

Raehan said...

Hi. That is so funny. I can just feel that thong disapearing up my but. I am not the shopper of my family, my husband is. He loves it. When my second was born I started buying groceries on line. I don't do that anymore, but I definitely hear you.

And Michele didn't send me. But she would have if I had been over there first. But I would have come her anyway. You know what I mean.

SilverDragon said...

Hello, Michele sent me!

I know it's hard to believe, but I've found that there actually are more important things in life than shopping...

Oops, sorry... the ghost of my mother just popped up to haunt me... I TAKE IT BACK... :)

Zinnia Cyclamen said...

Hello, Michele sent me. I'm sorry to hear about your loss of shopping ability - but I'm impressed by the way you turned it into a hilarious blog post; your writing and humour abilities are clearly intact!

vegemiterules said...

Have enjoyed my visit, it was a lovely post, you made me laugh, (with you, not at you), I came via Michele's site of the day, I am pleased to have met you.

A said...

Hi Tammy! Great blog; Michele sent me. :)

angela marie said...

I totally hate shopping. When you are a mom...we need to prioritize and even though shopping was a release for me at one time, now its just 15 minutes in the morning and looking at blogs!

Thanks for letting me visit, because HELLO, MICHELE SENT ME!

Kathy said...

Michele sent me too! Everything changes, doesn't it? It's been so long since I spent a day all by myself shopping. The last time I tried I got myself one tank top, and bought everything else for my girls. At least I was alone!

Melody said...

Hi Tammy - I am here via Michele. I think you have visited me a few times so it is nice to return the favour.

I enjoyed your post, in fact, I read all the posts on your page. I will be back, that is for sure.

As for the shopping thing, I have found since having a baby all I do is now visit all stores and go straight to the baby section. In. Every. Store. However, I have now been doing my grocery shopping online and find it so so much easier than physically visiting a grocery store.... Cheers

Ella said...

Hi, Michele sent me! I laughed and nodded in agreement at every post on this page.

I'm really pleased to have found your blog and I'll be back tonight to have a longer read.

ADAMANT said...

This loss of shopping feeling, is it contagious? And if so, can we organize parties for it, like with chicken pox?

Hello, Michele sent me. :)

Michelle said...

your son sounds like my nephew/godson. his new favorite word is "no" and his favorite prank is to run up to the television, turn it off and run away.

michele sent me, but I will be back to read more!

misty said...

I know exactly how ya feel. I'm in my third trimester and I haven't bought anything for the baby yet. Nothing. I'm hoping someone else will do it for me, soon. =)

Michele sent me. Have a great day.

FunkyB said...

Michele sent me too.

Congratulations on a real woman's take on thongs. I laughed my ass off!

melodyann said...

I was laughing so hard at your comment about trying to see the size of your panties... God, how many times have I got into the store and couldn't remember what size I wear, besides just BIG? Forget about trying to twist and turn to see what size the ones you are wearing are. But the shopping thing DOES get better. My kids are 18 and 14, and they are world class shoppers...........

melodyann said...

oops, forgot to say michelle sent me!

Kitty said...

Hi Michele sent me.

LOL I can't imagine why anyone would want to wear ass floss, esp ladies like myself who's ass needs a postcode all to itself.

Michele said...

HA! I know the feeling sister. 17 years later and I still haven't recovered my shoppin' feeling.

J&J'sMom said...

I had a similar shopping experience yesterday..NOTHING fit right. Of course, the one day I have no kids, no where to be and money to spend. Zilch! I bought some cute strappy sandals but that hardly satisfied my need for new underwear, jeans and tshirts. I'm with you, online it is!!! And NO BUTT FLOSS!

tanya said...

Great post!

Hi, Michele sent me!

cursingmama said...

Hello - Michelle Sent Me.

The shopping gene will return - but it does take a looonggg time. In the meantime, internet shopping sounds like a good plan.

Finn said...

Were we separated at birth? I, too, lost my shopping groove when I was pregnant.

Damn progesterone poisoning - fat, stupid and unable to make a decision. No one ever tells you about that, do they?

And don't get me started about thongs on a mommy ass. It's too depressing to contemplate.

Happily, the shopping groove does return. You just have to figure out a way to ditch the kids and do it alone. Consider it personal time.

Oh, and Hi! Michele sent me. But I will be back!

mrsmogul said...

when I get pregnant can you give me advice? Visit moi sometime! MICHELE SENT ME!

MommaK said...

I am an avid online shopper. I used to think a day at the mall was bliss, now I aviod it like the plague. I guess that is that damn aging thing again...

Michele sent me today, but I know this place very well:-)

Lassa said...

I love to shop too, but it just isn't the same when your kids are with you! I stopped by via Michele, but I've been here before and love your site!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Some moms have all the fun. (Too bad you're not one of them!)

Michele sent me.

honestyrain said...

both i and my husband used to shop well. we liked to shop. we liked to just be where shopping was taking place. we liked to look as much as buy. do you know how long it's been since i went shopping. really shopping. forever. so sad. lol.

Chaos said...

Hi Michele sent me....

I think all of us should get together someday and just take control of some mall somewhere... and shop til we drop...

Wait... I need to pay of the credit card first..... LOL

Yoggy Adams said...

You know just lately I see new mom's or expectant mothers everywhere I look is the world trying to tell me something or am I seeing what I want to see

Hey nice site Michele sent me!

ShoeHound said...

it doesn't take Michele to send me, but today my second visit will be a shout out from Michele! :)

omi perpetual inanity said...

hi. it didnt take michele for me to find you.. but after being over at the comment game i came back here.

i like the way you turn averagemom stuff into humourous reading.
i'll be back.

aka_monty said...

I have been, and will always be, a Nazi-shopper. That gene was deleted from my makeup, I think...it's more of a trial for me than pleasure. Bleh. :)