Tuesday, August 09, 2005

What would you do? part 2

Well. Either everyone is being very polite, or people are more "understanding" than I thought. I know times have changed in the last generation, but I somehow don't think things have changed that much. Perhaps all the people who would freak out are being quiet. It isn't very politically correct to admit that you would have a problem with a gay son, a teenage-mom daughter, or any combination of the two.
Think about it. If YOU had gone home one night as a teen, and told your dad you were gay, would he have hugged you and said "It's okay"? Yes, he would have still loved you, but would he have seriously been okay with it? My older sister had a friend who got pregnant in high school. Her parents, a very rare pair, were great about it. They DID hug her, and say it would be okay, and they would help her out. Sis and I were shocked. We knew, without a doubt, that pregnancy without marriage in our house meant disownment.
I admit it. If Girl Terror gets pregnant at a young age, I will be upset. Yes, yes, I will still love her. I won't kick her out. But I will still be upset, and she will know it. Last night when Hubby and I were talking about it, he said "if she comes home at 13 pregnant, I'll lock her in the basement until it's born, and then put it out on the hillside for the wolves." I think he might have been exaggerating, at least about the wolves.
If either child tells me someday that they are gay, I will be sad. Yes, yes, I will still love them. But I will be sad, knowing that life won't be as easy as it should be for them. I will mourn the loss of unborn grandchildren. I don't know that I will be comfortable seeing affection between them and their partner. I will miss having a "traditional" family. It will take me awhile to want to tell others.
I have high hopes for my children. I want them to be just like me, but better. I want to help them avoid mistakes, makes good choices, and live life to the fullest. I know that being gay or pregnant won't "ruin" them, but it might ruin my fantasy of them.


Cuileann said...

I just read "What would you do?" 1&2. I agree with you. I think people are so careful to be PC now that they don't say how they really feal about things. I will address the gay issue first. I would be terribly dissapointed if my children came to me and said they were gay. I don't know any parent that wishes for a child to be gay when they are born. I don't view myself a homophobe but for me my kids being gay is not part of the "plan". That being said I love my kids unconditionally and would learn to accept it if that is the life they choose. I can say with all honesty it would take some time to get used to it though. Now on to the pregnancy thing. If my teenage daughter came home pregnant I would be devestated. I think more so than most mothers would be because I had my first child when I was a teenager. I know how hard it is. I look back and even at the time I didn't realize what it took from me but now I know. I could have struggled through and accomplished everything I wanted to do but it was so much easier not to. I started college but having a baby, a job and doing homework was nearly impossible and I couldnt keep my grades up so I quit. I am lucky because I have a great husband and my life is good but I can't help but wonder what life would have been like for me if I hadn't gotten pregnant when I did. I just dont want my daughters to have to wonder that.

Kitty said...

Bearing in mind that I don't yet have children...

I hope that the gay issue would not be an issue for me. It would more than likely give me pause for thought but I notice that both you and Cuileann mention that thise would not fit your 'plan' for your children. Having spent my early years trying to live up to my mother's plan for me and only now (in my early 30s) realising that the only persons plan I should be following is mine, I would hope that I could live without any 'plans' for my kids. Besides being healthy, good, safe and happy that is.

The teen pregnancy would bother me more, simply because I would feel as though I had failed my daughter in some way. That's not to say I wouldn't be as supportive as she needed me to be, but I would wonder what I had done wrong.

This is all hypothetical as I don't have kids yet (working on it) and I'm sure a few mums reading this will be giggling at my naievity but this just describes the kind of mum I would like to be.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Boy, I wouldn't worry about it until/unless it happens. You can get in big tizzies worrying about "what if".

Cuileann said...

When I said it was not part of my 'plan', that is what I meant but I don't expect nor do I want my children to fulfill my 'plan'. With that said though, I do not know any parent who doesn't have ideas of what they want their kids be like when they grow up. Some parents have elaborate 'plans' such as specific careers they want their kids to have, while some just have a general 'plan' like having a traditional family. I would say I am in the second category. I just want to be clear though what I want most is for them to be happy and healthy adults and for them to fulfill their dreams and if that happens to be outside of what my plan for them is too damn bad. Bottom line is that it's not my life and no matter how disappointed I may be in the choices they make it is their choice not mine. I don't know if I made this clear in the other post but I would be more upset about a pregnancy.

Mamacita (The REAL one) said...

I know EXACTLY what you mean.

But hon, please don't spoil NOW with what might happen THEN.

Just do your best and love them unconditionally and let them know your family's standards and cross your fingers.

Because, you know, once they're old enough to open the refrigerator door themselves, you've got no control over them at all, in any area.

J&J's Mom said...

I just caught up on 1&2...I would love to say I would understand...I would hope I'd say "Excuse me just a minute and go lock myself in a closet." and scream and cry, THEN come back and say I love you and it'll be alright...but I'm with you. I want what's best for my kids and I have to have faith in my beliefs and what we've bestowed upon them so that they will make intelligent choices and learn to deal with and grow from their mistakes...I'd like to think I would do these things...but who knows? ;0)

cubmommy said...

I know a family who was in that situation. They are very involved in the church. Their son came home and told them he was gay. They kicked him out of their house. I was shocked. I don't think I could do that to my children if they told me that. I love them so much. I would be sad but I would never abandon them.

Beth said...

People are getting more honest now aren't they Tammy?
Let's face it...we all want to protect our children from whatever we might have gone through .........we want nothing but happiness for them. We don't want them to be gay simply because life will be more difficult for them - and that's not part of 0UR plan.
I have to laugh, because back in my day the question would have been "what would you do if your daughter came home pregnant" or "how would you feel about your child coming home with a person of a different race?"
Now both are commonplace.
Same shit - different day!!
By the way, Sean's reaction to Meghan coming home pregnant is pretty much the same as Tim's!!