Saturday, January 20, 2007

Report card time!

This is the last week of classes for the semester. On Friday, the dreaded exams will begin, and students all over the Yukon will go pale as they realize that we weren't kidding, coming to class does give you an idea of what will be on the final!
I need to do report cards. My marks are ready (unlike Hubby, I do not save piles and piles of marking until the last possible second) and I just need to find the appropriate comments for each student. This task is harder than it sounds, because I must choose comments from an approved list. "Your child is dumber than bricks" is not on the list. All the comments are polite, vague, and designed to say nothing. So I thought I'd give you a translation key, just in case it is not clear what the teacher thinks of your kid.
1. "X is not working up to his/her full capabilities" means "X could possibly have a brain, I don't know since I have not seen one completed assignment from X".
2. "This mark is partly due to attendance issues" means "I would not recognize your child if I saw him".
3. "X needs to focus on his/her assignments" means "X comes to class to trade ipods, visit his girlfriend, and make plans for the weekend".
4. "X is a delight to have in class" means "Your child is generic. I can't remember a single moment where he/she stood out from the crowd, so I am giving you the same comment I've given 20 other kids".
5. "Repeating this class is recommended" means "repeat this class". Amazing how many folks don't understand that one.
6. "Being prepared for class is crucial at this level" means "Bring a pen, and paper. A binder would be good, but even a pencil would help. Why doesn't your child have any school supplies?"
7. "Please see the teacher". Just as it says. See me. There is no way around it, we are going to have to meet face to face. I promise not to bite.

If you get any vague, uncomprehendable report cards, feel free to ask me what they mean. I'm offering up translation services free of charge!


Anonymous said...

Such fun! I don't envy you at all. Having written a few report cards myself, I can do the translation - but I loved yours!

Azgreeneyes said...

Got a full on LOL from me, and that with hubby 5 feet away, doing his homework and giving me the evil eye for interrupting! I wish report cards really said stuff like that. My sons would ask where his off button is, and have I ever tried it?

Anonymous said...

I have never liked those new computerized report cards, nor have I met a teacher that did! Makes me wonder why they brought them in for in the first place.

Loved your translation though, lol.

Anonymous said...

What about "I wished I had a roomful just like her"

carmilevy said...

I'm giving this to my wife - who's a teacher as well and dreads the report card season with a passion.

I think this could give rise to a new game: report card bingo. It's kind of a riff off of buzzword bingo that we like to play in meetings at work.

Your translation table is dead on. I'll never look at another report card the same way again!


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Anonymous said...

Haha! One of my daughter's teachers asked me what I thought about those 'computer-generated' comments. I told him I knew my daughter -- her personality, her quirks, etc... and those comments didn't really make or break it for me. I can tell from a 97, or 92 mark that she's doing o.k.!
I don't envy you your task -- sounds painful! Good luck.

Anonymous said...

approved list! hahaha! no WONDER everything teachers say seems sort of - fake. thanks for the list!