It was Father's Day not so long ago, and I didn't post. It's not that I forgot, I just am still having trouble with some holidays, and Father's Day is a big one. I feel so very fortunate that my children have an amazing Daddy. He is. I truly think Hubby would do absolutely anything for his babies. In fact, he is the only reason I am willing to celebrate Father's Day. I'm still working through my own messed up issues.
My friends don't understand how I can still be speaking to my parents. I should mention, I rarely do speak to them. I myself sometimes wonder why I acknowledge them, my father in particular. I think that I still love him, in a detached sort of way. Perhaps it's guilt. Maybe I remember the good times well enough to get past the rest. I have said in the past that I forgive him, but I have not forgotten. I will never forget. Sometimes I wonder if I've even truly forgiven. But part of me is still wanting his approval, for whatever reason, and I am at heart a peace-seeker. I am not willing to erase the past or my memories of it, but I seem somewhat willing to let it lie. Then I feel guilty for that!
I called home on Saturday so Girl Terror could politely say thank you for her birthday card. (See? I want them to know I have well-mannered children!). I spoke to my mother first, and I could tell she was "in a mood". You know what I mean. There were no words, no tone, but the mood was there. She put my father on the phone, which I hate, and I spoke briefly to him. Mood was there, too. All in all it was a polite, strained, and civil conversation, but when I hung up I was shaking both inside and out.
I hate that he (both of them, really) can do this to me. They can upset my inner balance without even being in the same time zone. I hate even worse that I let this happen. I open myself up, I pick up the phone, and I hate it every time. EVERY TIME.
June is never a good month for me. It is his birthday and Father's Day, all in one short month. That is two separate occasions to feel guilty for not sending a card, two days I don't call, and twice in one month I am guaranteed to spend long moments thinking about my past. This year, after putting my family through an incredibly foul mood, I decided to make some changes. My goal is to let go of the guilt. Stop thinking I have to forgive and forget. Give myself permission to be angry occasionally, and then move on. I will celebrate the great relationship my children have with their Daddy. I will give thanks that they will not have the same experiences I did. I will let go, and walk away.