Thursday, August 06, 2009

Panties. The bane of my existance.

I am having an underwear crisis. Yes, really. And no, it's not that funny. A few weeks ago, I realized it was high time I bought some new panties. (god, I hate that word.) My needs are simple, and I'm easily pleased. I was looking for basic black, cotton, comfortable underpants. Nothing weird. There must be enough fabric to cover my substantial back end. There must not be so much fabric that it also covers my boobs. The leg holes need to be just right. Not so small that the blood flow to my legs is cut off, but not so gapingly huge that I look like a sumo wrestler. Not thongs, because those are shoes. Off I went to the store, convinced that this would be a simple errand. HA!!!

First of all, the sizing charts boggled me. In some brands, the size I usually buy looked like small scraps of spare fabric. In other brands, they could have been used as sails for a whaling ship.

Once I figured out the right size, there was the issue of colour and pattern. Remember, I said basic black. I could not find a package. There was bright flowers, stripes, plaid, and of course smiley faces. Some packages had black, but the other pairs in the pack were hideous 50's sofa patterned. Trust me, when your ass is the size and shape mine is, giant orange and fushia blooms are not attractive.

I finally found a package with three black pairs. The right size. The right price. I was giddy....until I realized they were the dreaded thongs. Arghh!!

Anyway. Long story short, I eventually bought some panties. (There's that word again...) They were black. The size seemed appropriate. I wore a pair the other day. Turns out, they are absolutely perfect, so long as you don't mind your panties drifting down until your butt is hanging out, totally uncovered, while you walk. These panties are fantastic for sitting. They stay nicely in place if I don't move. But as soon as I start walking, the top slides down, and eventually they are oh-so attractively wedged under my butt cheeks, held in place only by the force of my jeans.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this tale. I guess I just want sympathy, and to let you know that if you see me doing what looks like a weird little jig, in the middle of the street, just keep on walking. I'd like some privacy while I hitch up my drawers.


koreen (aka: winn) said...

LOL! That's the funniest thing I've read in a while, because I know this is so true... so hard to find a good pair of panties when one doesn't look like one belongs in a Victoria's Secret catalogue.

I'm a fan of Hanes... I like the lacy ones: superb coverage and comfortable to boot. Unfortunately, the local Walmart doesn't carry them, and I have to drive an hour to the next Walmart to get them. Yes, I hate buying underwear too. Don't even get me started on bras. For me, that is a freak show unto itself!

=) Great to hear your stories. Tell me more!!!

Mrs. Falkenberg said...

Oh, Koreen, the bras. That is indeed a whole 'nother post. It makes me sad that one of the highlights of any trip "down south" for me is buying a decent bra.

APF said...

Oh god, now there's a great post!

I feel your suffering.

There are only two brands out there that seem to do the job for me:

1)ExOfficio underwear. They dry overnight and I've had the same three pairs for the last 4 years.

2) Hanky Panky. Yup, they're lace and they're thongs but at least there's no panty line and they come already ridding up! Oh, and they are surprisingly comfortable. Still I don't dare look at myself in the mirror!

As for bras, I go to Alpine Bra for a fitting and she tells me what bra I need. End of story.

juli233 said...

my new best friend is
WAY cheaper for the exact same thing as alpine for bras. As for the panties I'm with you, I bet some man sits and dreams up just how uncofortable he can make sensible womens underwear.

Fawn said...

The most comfortable panties I own are Bravado underwear. Yes, that means they're MATERNITY underwear, but OMG, the comfort. I started wearing them when I wasn't pregnant, so I feel no shame in continuing to wear them while not pregnant. Comfiest ever and no riding up or falling down issues. 'Cause I TOTALLY know what that's all about. I think I'm going to have to get more than the two pairs I have because I deserve to be comfortable more often than that. ;)