Saturday, July 05, 2008

Where is Freud when I need him?

I don't think I was meant to have a boy child. I do not have the necessary equipment to really understand him. I, being a "girl human" (his words) lack a penis.
For the last few months, Boy Terror has had a firm grip on his package. Well, not the whole thing, actually. Just the tip. I've asked him numerous times what the problem is, and I've come to realize, there is no problem. He does not need to go potty. He is not itchy. Everything is comfy. If I pester him enough, he will say it hurts. I don't know if it really does hurt, or if he's just saying that to make me shut up and go away. He's just....holding on. Because he can. Because he's a "boy human", and that's what they do.
I am trying, oh, am I trying to not make this a Big Deal. If we are at home, and he's not talking to me, I let it go. (He does not. ha.) I let the poor boy hold his penis in peace. But at W-Mart, or the grocery store, or when standing talking to my friends, I'd really appreciate it if he could just take his hands off the damn thing. Just for a minute. Just long enough for people to stop thinking "Oh look. He's still doing that...holding thing. Wonder if she knows that private touching is Not Nice Behaviour."
This morning he made a startling discovery. His underpants have a POCKET in them!! Yes! Right there in front! LOOK MUMMY A POCKET!! He ran out to show me, and asked what the pocket could be for?! Money? Is it to hold money?! Toys? Could he put...oh wait! What's this? A hole! In the bottom of the pocket! And damn it, that hole leads straight to hell. Ahem. Sorry. Not what he said.
A pocket with a hole in it obviously is useless for putting things in. He asked me what I thought the pocket was for, and in a rare moment of Clear Thinking, I said nothing. I did not tell him it's actual purpose. (Does anyone actually use the "pocket" for it's intended purpose?). After repeated pesterings, I told him I was stumped. My own underpants do not have a hole, so I could offer no advice.
He's a quick one, that son of mine. He decided that if the pocket was not for holding things in, then perhaps it is not a pocket at all. No. It is a tunnel. An easy way to touch your penis. How very convenient!
And then it became a Big Deal. Send advice, vodka, and pocket free underwear, please.


Jean-Luc Picard said...

A hilarious post, Tammy!!! The unexpected problems some parents will have.

Has anyone figured out what the pocket is for, yet? (!)

Michele sent me.

koreen (aka: winn) said...

I love it! My little ray of sunshine also complains his winky "hurts", although it doesn't seem so much complaining, as an expression of concern and wonderment. He becomes very involved with his activity, and as he's only 2 and doesn't leave me alone for a minute of the day, I let him "play". Hey, we all need some form of amusement, right?

Anonymous said...

Lots of little-boy underwear comes without the pocket. And they're easy to stitch up. Mwah-ha.

It'll take a little practice, but the idea that "we touch our private bits in private" is not too difficult. (You get to decide if "private" includes your company, too.) The problem is the action is so damned reflexive: most of the time, they don't even know they're doing it!

To this end, a friend had a code phrase (not that subtle, really) which she used when in public: "Hands up, Sam." He knew that meant he had to stop fondling the boy and get his hands where mom could see them.

Which is better than what an exasperated aunt barked out one day at a cousin of mine. "Andrew, if you don't let go of that stupid thing, it's going to FALL.RIGHT.OFF!"