Tuesday, March 09, 2010

The blog entry in which I share waaay too much information

I just got home from my first bikini wax. Okay, not quite my first, but the only other time I've done this was many, many years ago, and the technician was a crackhead, and really, nothing got accomplished other than a small section of my thigh got waxed with extremely hot wax.
So. Today. Off I went, feeling brave. My friend (ha! Some friend!) swore to me that it would only feel like a bandaid coming off. No biggie.
Right away I told Holly (the technician) that it was my first time, but yes, I am a brave soul, and would like to go "all the way." She was all "I'll be so gentle you won't even notice me." HA! Why do these women keep lying to me?! She handed me a scrap of towel and said to strip down and hop up on the table. When she came back to the room I was busy trying to decide where to put the teeny towel. No matter what, parts of me were hanging out in the breeze. I don't know why I bothered....she just took it away anyways.
First came the wax. Oooo....warm. Nice. Soothing. See? This is not so bad. Then Holly gently (as promised) placed a strip of paper/cloth over the wax, and smoothed it down. I wasn't so sure about her touching me like that, but still....all was good. She smiled, and asked "How are you doing?" at the exact same time as she RIIPPPED the strip away. Nice distraction technique, Holly. However, I cannot make small talk when the delicate skin around my lady bits is being torn from my body. Before I could say a word, she had done the whole warm soothing wax, gentle strip, RIIPP routine again...this time even CLOSER to places I treasure!! This woman is nuts! How can she keep smiling while inflicting RIIIIPPP-oh-my-god-she-did-it-again pain on innocent people?! What the hell is wrong with her? What is wrong with ME, that I am still here???
I finally got a chance to catch my breath and speak. "I think, maybe, that today will not so much be a "all the way" kind of day, okay there, Holly? In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm good now! Done! So thanks!" She smiled at me. "I thought you might change your tune. No problems. I'll just do the other side, and you'll be done. Halfway there!!!"
Halfway? We were only half done? Was she kidding? And off we went, with more warm wax, gentle strips, riippping pain (literally) until she decided I was tortured enough.
As I was paying (yes, I paid for this experience) Holly asked if I'd like to book my next appointment. Ha! Ha ha!!! She's a funny one, that Holly.


Anonymous said...

BAWHAHAHAHAHA I have been waiting for this post since you told me you might get this done....but I would like to thank you as I will NEVER EVER let the thought cross my mind ever again!!


juli233 said...

wow... the things you'll do for blog topics!!! LOL!!! ;)
I have no desire to have any ripping pain near my lady bits, legs are bad enough!

Fawn said...

It gets better when you do it a few times, but I don't think I will EVER want to "go all the way". Only one person should ever get that up-close to my lady bits, thank you very much!

The first time I had a bikini wax, the esthetician used her hand to put pressure on the freshly waxed area and that REALLY helped to take the sting away after each strip. That won't work so much for all the way, I suspect.

Have you seen 40-year-old-virgin? That chest-waxing scene was apparently THE REAL DEAL. I couldn't believe how barbaric it was that the woman would rip off so much hair at once and not apply any pressure. That poor man!

dogsled_stacie said...

As far as I went was when I was in Fairbanks and went to get a quick haircut. The crazy women there (who were apparently really bored too!) forced me to wax my eyebrows! Seriously, I didn't agree to it. I thought they were kidding until they shoved me back in the chair, applied wax and started stripping. OMG I thought that was the worst pain ever, and missed my unibrow a bit... but I can't even imagine doing what you just did... now I will for SURE never do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Justine Cricks said...

I wish bikini waxing was like a game that has options:

- The Usual.
- The Painless Way.

Wouldn't it be great if we could all just pick the second option? Your story made me feel what you feel for a sec. I imagined that part with the "How are you doing-- RIIIIIP". Ouch-- no, wait. OUCH! That's all I can say.