Thursday, October 15, 2009

Not Our Fault

Warning: This is not a gentle post. Some readers might be disturbed, and I apologize.'s my blog, my thoughts, and my life.

I am not a person who normally believes in signs, or messages from a Higher Power, or even in karma. I don't know what else to call it. You get the idea....I like my beliefs to be concrete and tangible. But today, I believe I am sick for a reason.
This morning I felt slightly off, but not sick. I went to work, and I was fine. By 10 am, however, I felt horrible. My nose was dripping, my head was pounding, and for a minute I thought I might pass out. By 10:30 Hubby was on his way to pick me up, and a substitute teacher was in my class.

I never watch Oprah. I did, years ago, but not for at least 7 years now. Today while I was on the couch with my box of kleenex, I turned on the TV and changed the channel to Oprah.

In the past half hour, I have heard three women tell their stories, and each and every one of them has said something that could have been from my diaries. They have the same story as me. In fact, one woman's father was a minister, just like mine.

I heard these brave women tell my story. They have put my thoughts into words. My secret concerns, and doubts about what I did wrong and why I didn't stand up for myself. That powerful need for love, and for a parent's approval is so strong that we tolerate or even participate in some of the most unthinkable situations.

We always assume that incest or sexual abuse is forced onto children. No one ever says that sometimes, children do not speak out because they are afraid of losing even that warped love. People don't talk about the ugly fact that even abuse can feel good, physically. Today it suddenly all clicked for me while I watched Oprah interview survivors. It is not a sign on weakness in me that I let my father touch me until I was 18. I lay still and silent, but that does not mean it was my fault.

You know, I've healed. My past is safely where it the past. But I think today I learned that there is still a lot for me to learn and work through. Somehow I still believed that part of the abuse was my fault. I had questions about why I allowed such things to happen. Today, I got answers. I heard, really heard, the right words.

I was sick today for a reason.


koreen (aka: winn) said...

I understand.
I wish had more words. But I don't.
It's not something you ever leave behind. It's something you learn to wear differently over time. New realizations. New stages of life. New understandings.
I still think how ugly and lazy I am. And how no one will ever love me. Because my mother said so.
Sending you lots of good thoughts. Hope you feel better soon.

Fawn said...

I never watch Oprah because we don't have cable or satellite, but I think she is an amazing woman who really tries to do good in the world. I think you are an amazing woman, too -- not everyone can really keep their memories of abuse contained in the past or say that they have healed. I'm so glad that you got to hear the words you needed to hear.

And I hope you don't have to stay sick for long... get well soon!

Sara said...

I think that sometimes we believe it is our fault because then we (falsely) believe that we have control over it. I know that might sound crazy, but if we think we have some control over it then we can ensure that it never happens again.
You are a courageous woman to speak about your experiences. I admire the strength that it takes to speak the truth.
In words I can tell you that it wasn't your fault, but I know that it takes a long time to come to that absolute truth in a way that you can believe it. It often means accepting things that are so much more than we ever imagined.
What I have learned is that the difficult and unbearable parts of our lives tend to resurface when we feel safe. I am glad that you feel better now and the fact that it is resurfacing now, is likely an affirmation of the fact that you are in a good place in your life.
My thoughts are with you.

Anonymous said...

You my friend are one of the most amazing people I know for sharing your story. hugs

Matt, Kara, Hunter and Cavan said...

Now that was a powerful post. Thank you for sharing.