Not Our Fault

Warning: This is not a gentle post. Some readers might be disturbed, and I apologize. But...it's my blog, my thoughts, and my life.

I am not a person who normally believes in signs, or messages from a Higher Power, or even in karma. I don't know what else to call it. You get the idea....I like my beliefs to be concrete and tangible. But today, I believe I am sick for a reason.
This morning I felt slightly off, but not sick. I went to work, and I was fine. By 10 am, however, I felt horrible. My nose was dripping, my head was pounding, and for a minute I thought I might pass out. By 10:30 Hubby was on his way to pick me up, and a substitute teacher was in my class.

I never watch Oprah. I did, years ago, but not for at least 7 years now. Today while I was on the couch with my box of kleenex, I turned on the TV and changed the channel to Oprah.

In the past half hour, I have heard three women tell their stories, and each and every one of them has said something that could have been from my diaries. They have the same story as me. In fact, one woman's father was a minister, just like mine.

I heard these brave women tell my story. They have put my thoughts into words. My secret concerns, and doubts about what I did wrong and why I didn't stand up for myself. That powerful need for love, and for a parent's approval is so strong that we tolerate or even participate in some of the most unthinkable situations.

We always assume that incest or sexual abuse is forced onto children. No one ever says that sometimes, children do not speak out because they are afraid of losing even that warped love. People don't talk about the ugly fact that even abuse can feel good, physically. Today it suddenly all clicked for me while I watched Oprah interview survivors. It is not a sign on weakness in me that I let my father touch me until I was 18. I lay still and silent, but that does not mean it was my fault.

You know, I've healed. My past is safely where it belongs...in the past. But I think today I learned that there is still a lot for me to learn and work through. Somehow I still believed that part of the abuse was my fault. I had questions about why I allowed such things to happen. Today, I got answers. I heard, really heard, the right words.

I was sick today for a reason.